;lke q;wke
Apr 19, 2014 @ 8:08 am

since gabriel garcia marquez passed arnold has obviously become a magical creature, unfortunately made magical by a disease.  he has trouble with balance and now falls from things.  he falls from his perches.  as a result of this new vulnerability he has suddenly and completely lost all fear of my hands.  attachment replaced fear.  I have trouble getting him out of my palm.  it’s like trying to remove a sticky caterpillar.  this change occurred suddenly about three days go.  for his entire life he had consistently sought to avoid my hands.  it could be an inner ear problem (or whatever gives birds balance), depression or end-of-life process.  he is also generally quieter and moves more slowly around his cage, when he moves at all.  much of the time he just balls up in his own fluff.

it is morning, when we make decisions and sneezes.  we consult the cryptic messages on our mugs.  “datametrics made me a performance expert!”

back to sleep.  back to wake.  on the couch one feels one way.  walking around one feels another.  move things around.  or don’t.  put things away or skip that.  clean things or wait.  what has happened to one’s reward center.  traditional publishing doesn’t seem to work for me.  74 sites have installed my module.


Part II

look persons, I’m the one that has to live with my bathrooms everyday.  daily I’m reminded that the project has not progressed.  unless you count the few hours I spent cutting the kerdi pieces.  it’s really been more than a year since the big push downstairs.  more than a year.  but don’t act like it’s your problem.  most days you probably don’t give a moment’s thought to my bathrooms.  don’t act like my bathrooms are somehow holding you back.

I tend to think that because life begins at 40 until then I’m free to contemplate what I’ll do with my life once it begins.  tho I haven’t gotten around to doing this thinking.  but I’m vaguely aware that between now and when I turn 40 later this year I should set aside an hour or two to figure out what to do with my life.  of course I expect I won’t get around to it, and I’ll turn 40 not having decided what to do.  I don’t know what I’ll tell myself at that point.  hopefully by then 100 sites will have installed my module.  I will console myself with that metric.

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wer bgqvwe
Apr 17, 2014 @ 12:16 pm

that’s what happened re: my keys.  but now it’s a day later.  it’s sunny.  cool.  I’m almost done with this sandwich.  I’ve done social things outside my apartment five out of the last six evenings.  I’ve worked about an hour this week.  huh.  I’m going to lie down


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Apr 16, 2014 @ 12:19 pm

have I ridden my scooter since I’ve been back from nica.  I don’t think so.  I’m missing a set of keys.  it’s possible I would have put them somewhere prior to leaving for nica.  inside a cabinet.  so that when someone breaks in, they don’t immediately see a set of scooter keys on the counter.

I have copies of every key in the set.  it would be nice to see this particular set.

if I had taken them out of my home, I would have used them to re-enter my home, because there is a house key on the set.  so it is very likely that they are in my home.  unless I left them dangling from the lock upon entering.  as I sometimes do.

clearly the most likely scenario is that they are in the house somewhere.

oh.  I had a memory.  I had a memory of having both sets of keys with me.  I left the home, maybe a month ago, and realized I had both sets of keys.  hm.   so both sets were in my pockets.  then I went for a walk, drive or scoot.  that was before or after I went to nica.


they were in the back yard beneath one of the benches.  they have been out there long enough that the key ring is now quite rusty.

this means that one night last week, I had a full set of keys sitting on the floor of my front porch and another full set of keys on the ground in my back yard.

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Apr 10, 2014 @ 8:58 pm

I had a sickness that ended in a terrible depression that was relieved by a simple malaise with occasional frustration, regressions to lesser depressions and seeming bad luck, but now I’m starting to think what remains is just a skin and I could break it with one solid day of general work, perhaps going to the gym first thing tomorrow morning and then trying really hard to be a good developer and concentrate.  today I was not a good developer and could not concentrate.  and then tomorrow night my exile ends.  there’s a reading, and then the next night a thing with my family and so on.  potentially for 7 nights in a row I could do things after this long period of isolation and general sickness.  and I’m also feeling like what remains I can push off a little just by thinking the right way.  I just need one serious efficient day.  now that I’ve slept decently for three nights in a row.  I was insane on Monday.  I generally feel unhealthy.  7 nights in a row I slept terribly, angry every night, unable to control my mind.  and during the day not able to control my mind either.  I could go out tonight.  I don’t know if it’s wise not to.  but I know tomorrow is the reading.  so on.  simple decisions have seemed difficult.  tomorrow night is an easy decision.  and going to the gym in the morning seems wise.  break patterns.  now I have just the sniffles.  annoying.  and my body is tired at times and has trouble supporting me.  I look around the room for a better way, but of course the couch is not an upgrade.  the couch is where rallies go to die.  the bed is far better, but I’ve spent too much time there in recent times.  I can kick my foot bag for a rest, now that I’m not really sick anymore.  and the foot bag is like a rest.  I’m still not walking enough.  and it’s been so nice out.  today it was so nice out.  but I couldn’t feel it.  it didn’t feel good.  which is disturbing.  70 and sunny.  but I just haven’t had enough recovery from last week and the weekend in particular.  Monday the rain and gloom bothered me a great deal, whereas if I’m in a better state, the rain and gloom might seem interesting, and even draw me outside at times.  I could be that way again and of course I probably will.  certainly if no piano on me falls.  many times  I will go in and out of these loops in the future.  this one had a different flavor than the usual, and I began to make mistakes.  mismanagement at times.  I must be getting better because already I’m looking a few days back, thinking why didn’t I just do more, already not quite able to fully sympathize.  if I had just dragged myself to the gym monday morning at all costs.  in the gloom.  it might have reset something more quickly.   we grow too soon thursday and too late wise.

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read by drones
Apr 08, 2014 @ 9:58 am


I don’t say it often enough.  I love you best.  yes I may dally in other social media but believe me I always hate mysefl for it afterwards.  you are the one true.

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Apr 07, 2014 @ 5:01 pm

huh.  that didn’t work out.  by that I mean today.

but there’s always this evening.  the sun’ll come out, this evening.

my sinuses seem to be better.  I’m now just a medium-normal-sniffly.  just er tad sniffles.  not a sneezy smurf.  who knows, in the delicate web of life, who knows.  one things for sure, the universe is gentrifying.  atoms are moving further apart.  it’s never the same.

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what I did on my summer vacation
Apr 07, 2014 @ 10:13 am

dear blog,

what a weekend!  I’ll tell you all about it.  done.  I didn’t do much of anything except negotiate this latest sinus difficulty and attendant psycho dimensions.  second sinus this year.  hm, the last one was mostly at the end of last year, but a little at the beginning of this year.  symptoms began monday last, but were so light I did all that gardening tues and weds, powered through it, but then friday it got real, and saturday and sunday.  today better ish.

such spaciness.  I forgot to watch cosmos.  but it’s archived online somewhere.  whoah I’m spacy.  am I going to work today.  oh dear.

I don’t feel so super up to it, ya know, today.  it’s going to be one of those mondays where I just try to get something, anything, done.  if I work a couple solid hours during the next nine hours, it will break the haze enough that I can work a fuller day tomorrow.  and will keep me from feeling guilty and depressed this evening.  two solid hours of work and I’ll feel like a world beater, and the world will feel like the loser that it is.

last night while I was forgetting to watch cosmos, I became interested in the old verbal feud between kurt cobain (20-year death anniversary this past saturday) and axyl rose.  I watched some youtube videos about their feud.  my feeling is that they were both pretentious assholes, but cobain’s pretentiousness was more interesting.  at least until he made that terrible heart-shaped box video.  axyl doesn’t fair well in the feud.  he seems on the defense, because he was.  and having called courtney love a bitch for no apparent reason — in cobain’s telling — he had reason to feel like he was playing catch-up.  and he did use a ton of strings in a song, as cobain pointed out, and this was on par with emerson, lake and palmer, as cobain pointed out.  ya know, aesthetically/ethically incoherent for a band trying to do bad-assery.  and I read a bit about the homophobic/nativist/racist song axyl did.  One in a Million.  I’ve always found it interesting.  there is something so genuine and vulnerable about it, which is an achievement because that was the intent.  but it’s also hateful and axyl was disingenuous for suggesting that the sincerity maybe excused the hate.  anyhow his views did evolve.  my guess is that today, he’s probably not a terrible homophobe, etc.  to his credit he went through a ton of therapy even back when his band was touring, and at its peak, and he spoke openly about being in therapy.  he was sexually abused.  all things in context, and yet, somehow context explains but doesn’t exactly excuse.  slash objected to the song being included in the album, but relented.  that’s also somewhat interesting.  he was half black.  of course plenty of blacks are racist against blacks.  are plenty of whites racist against whites? I think I’m becoming so.  my evolution towards intolerance of whites is part of a personal growth narrative I hope will someday help my sell merchandise.  obvious questions now begged about whether the white half of slash was racist against the white half, and so on.

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major league baseball
Apr 03, 2014 @ 8:18 pm

could it be that the east is so good this year that it will not produce a wild card winner, because everyone will beat up on everyone else and finish in a four-way tie (orioles, yankees, sox, rays) with 86 wins a piece?  it seems inevitable that some situation will develop that can only be settled with a double-elimination softball tournament and I think cyndi lauper will somehow be involved tho I have no idea how.

the orioles are set up very well for the regular season, due to good pitching depth.  if they squeak into the playoffs, they might be in trouble in the offseason, because they don’t have any especially dominant top o’ the rotation starters.

the defense is still there, best in MLB history in 2013, by a lot, with 54 errors, which is 11 fewer errors, or 17% less, or 17% fewer, than the previous record (65) set by the 2003 mariners.   tho the d will suffer slightly when they trot nelson cruz out to left field.  trotting will be the only manner by which cruz arrives in left field.  being trotted.

nick markakis is key on offense.  one of few in the lineup who has had good OBP years, but last year was an off year.  a little surge from markakis will compensate for a little dip from chris davis.

if tommy davis saves 88% of his chances and markakis has one of his better years offensively, O’s win the east.


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we tnmkrlim desean jackson
Apr 03, 2014 @ 12:24 pm

no one can seem to agree with themselves.  my prejudice has always been toward bigger, move-the-chains WRs.  but my views are obsolete.  it’s ok in today’s game to catch 4 balls per year, as long as you gain 1300 yards on those four catches and score at least 9 TDs.    you can’t do that without speed and math.  I suspect mood swings.  and of course as richard sherman pointed out, it’s OK have mood swings as long as you’re white.  I know that’s true because when I’m white and have mood swings I get high fives.  8 mill / yr.

it’s a bad signing but it’s not haynesworth.  the latter had both mental and physical problems.  desean has no physical problems.  and 16 mill guaranteed is not 40 mill guaranteed.  it’s effectively a 2-year, 8 mill per year contract.  so as long as he doesn’t melt down until around week 12 in year 2, it’s OK.

I like the signing, tho.  it’s interesting.  this year is going to make chip kelly look very good, very bad or somewhere in between.  nick foles softmore slump + oops we have no desean, could mean trouble.  healthy, maclin is perhaps the more valuable player than desean, except he may have benefited from desean.  the thing that should scare eagles fans is that chip kelly has had great success for a while.  he did it in college, then instant success in the pros.  has that created in him delusions?

revis gets 12 mill this year.  is desean jackson 8/12 as valuable as revis?  probably not.  but what happens when you reduce the fraction.   is he 2/3 as valuable?  without question.

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afe a qwe
Apr 01, 2014 @ 10:14 am

desean jackson:  my people are telling me there is a 46% chance he signs with the skinskins.  I’m not sure they’ll want to spend as much as he wants to earn.  I don’t know where the money would come from.  I figure he’ll end up with the raiders.  He’s a scary player but I’m not sure he’s as good as he is scary.

it’s tuesday.  yesterday I sat on the patio and listened to the O’s opener on my black radio that has a cassette deck.  I had parties.  I sat on a blue plastic chair.  today, it’s not clear I’ll have to work.  I might go get some landscaping supplies.  I might order a new shredder.  my old one has died and I’ve become attached to the idea of shredding things, which I assume points to an emotional problem.

I invoiced.

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