rand paul
Nov 15, 2016 @ 4:42 pm

this is fucked, but I’m in a good mood.  I’ve had like so many others a tumultuous week and perhaps moreso than some, than most, I suppose.  I don’t know if I’ve told anyone about the police who came here when my sister called the crisis hotline.  I was fine by the time they got here.  I had texted my sister first thing in the morning to notify that I was very depressed.  which is what I do, and really it’s so technical and easy.  it’s obvious to me when I need other people to do things for me, like make appointments, and when I need to get out of dc.  so I told her I would stay at her house last weekend, which I did.  except saturday I stayed at my nephew’s.  it’s funny how obvious my adaptations were, but I suppose going to see family is a common adaptation.  tactic is the word.  adaptation is how social I’ve become.  I’ve become very social since election night.  I’ve been contacting lots of people.  I’m going to email ian and tell him about this blog post.  I chuckled.  but I’m in a good mood right now, feeling hopeful, unafraid.  I guess I’ll email jeff too.  I don’t know if I’ll email lexi about this blog post.  probably not.  I chuckled.  well I had a klun/up/in last night, just an itty one, and it has worn off I assume.  the brain is a very plastic thing.  and I’ve been praying to my brain.  I’ve been praying for medications that allow me to engage with the world without it feeling too turgid and tortured.  I want a drug to make me not daunted.  and to make me sociable, because you have to be social to be a writer, and you have to be a writer to think.  I’ve been a little manic.  I offer that disclaimer.  you can’t step in the same disclaimer twice.  rand paul for secretary of state please: “I’m not a pacifist, but I do think it unacceptable not to hate war. I’m dismissive of those who champion war as sport and show no reluctance to engage in war. Any leader who shows glee or eagerness for war should not be leading any nation. I believe truly great leaders are reluctant to go to war and try mightily to avoid war. ”  and they lowered my ef/fexor and added s/eroq’uel .  I’ve slept well two nights in a row so I feel better than I have in a week.  strange to say, but I feel better than I did the day before the election when I was fairly certain hrc would win.  or I feel as good.  we return to our set points.  but it’s also that I’m a bit manic, adrenal, as an adaptation.  and I’m more stimulated than usual in a number of ways, and freer, because I care less about the details of my financial life, say, and things like that.  I’ve unloaded some cares as a result of this election result.  adaptations.  compensations.  I find it easier to be a person today than I have in months.  I carried dread and fear for months, because I um sensed a complacency in the populace and I really thought Trump might win.  at times I did.  I never felt comfortable.  except for the last few days.  after the nevada early results came in, I felt confident for the first time in the entire campaign.  even going back to last year, I felt Trump could beat HRC, but I also thought I might end up feeling silly for having harbored that premonition, and at times I did feel silly for having told people in the spring that I considered him the better politician of the two, and I considered hrc a poor matchup for him.  but then at times his antics made me feel like a fool for having predicted he’d succeed.  it seemed I’d been so wrong, that he was in fact a terrible politician and hrc a surprisingly adept one.  she excelled at debates.  there are some thoughts I’m not exploring thoroughly, comey, etc, and things, that, I protect myself from for now, and of course that’s the right thing to do, to just get my sleep on track and eating regularized.  which seemingly I have done.  appetite creeping back.  perhaps at 100% now.  and fear-of-insomnia is removed by my ownership of the dots.  I frankly like to have some dots to eat.  who doesn’t.


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afdsf., hyj
Nov 15, 2016 @ 4:12 pm

I’ve had all the reactions, so far

 


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Jsjsjufufjsjduychd
Jul 24, 2016 @ 2:39 pm

To catch me up

I haven’t read posts my

the kitteh lies on my bed

i had pancakes

i read 2 much inter-news

crop set 4 harvest. Lookin good

 

Housemate naps now

Upstairs bathroom ditra mortared to subfloor yesterday . Painted walls. cool Mellon. Tiling starts later today or could. It has been a lot of work of crs. Many micro works along the way. Subfloors and on. Investigations. Contemplation. I can rarely see three steps ahead so am often surprised by what must be done next. U wouldn’t think it bbranch out like that

spooky heat

world seems a lot more bad lately, who knows.

From the spooky heat there is a sense that the whole world is neither indoors nor out

The hole world

It’s very quiet but I can hear faintly a very distant trimming tool, and the neighbor’s a/c unit, and maybe mine. Mine is quieter bc it wasn’t installed by a house flipper.


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fusjkdvk
May 22, 2016 @ 1:03 pm

Sitting in the corner chair in the room, tho it’s rainy some light is coming through the window behind me, landing on the muppet blue corner of the bed. I’ve walked to the hardware store twice today, first time too early and second time they were having a problem with the key and everyone was standing outside in the mist, waiting. So I haven’t been able to get the three valves I need, might as well do all three, since two have a slow leak. Then I can remove the sink. Toilet is out, and some of the top layer of subfloor. Housemate will help me carry the old tub down the stairs in a bit. With the sink out I can advance the work in the subfloor, which I believe is the Fulcrum of all things and my entire existence. I actually think with the sink out and nothing dripping, then there will only be the dryness and flatness of the partial subfloor, and I will figure out what to do from there. The subfloor is like abq. But I’m distracted from reality by the distant subfloor. Meanwhile my inserts are out so this pair of shoes can dry.  Everything I’ve ever done has led me to this partially deconstructed subfloor and I’ve now cleaned the toilet flange, which I barely remember doing last time.  Something was broken. Part of me doesn’t want to work on it today but I find if I tell myself I want to then I do, but I think it may now take me an hour to get back to it, but I don’t know, I’m a cricket, which we don’t get here. I watch and sometimes the cricket jumps.  But with the sink out, I will be as omnipotent and omniscient as I’ll ever be. I should then understand what my life has been for and I will know what is going to happen. Everything will be fine when the sink is gone.


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ab3rhq3 rv
May 18, 2016 @ 3:30 pm

I’ve begun the upstairs bathroom demolition.  I may need a brief party & pause to observe where things stand.  If one is not careful, one can proceed too quickly through a demolition without really inhabiting the process.  and this may be the last demolition.


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kjakkjhsef
May 07, 2016 @ 12:04 am

I don’t know what I said, but I’m having the reset fantasies just very recently today.  it’s always been abq but I think of pburg and cleveland and baltimore but the latter isn’t much of a change and has mosquitos.  with abq it’s the god forsaken quality of the landscape that appeals to me and the strong consistent light I suppose.  abq is always the same so if you have an image in your head of what it’s like you have a clear idea.  it’s like being a being.  it seems staged.  it’s hard to think it’s the same sun as we get here.  incidentally I went to 12/12 light two days ago on what will be crop the third.  I almost forget how the first crop didn’t work out at all, and how doomy that was.  so what to think about this projection that we are undergoing.  I very much finished the downstairs bathroom.  I had to order a couple small plumbing parts.  a seat and a spring.

so I did the tiling, everything.  I dug down deep.  it went on forever, but I knew that getting to the end would change my sense of whether it was even possible to do so.  housemate’s mom is here this weekend, so I won’t demolish the upstairs yet.  I will take an inaugural shower down there tomorrow.  it was yesterday I caulked.  the ants got to my cookies, the last six.  I couldn’t blow them off so I tried rinsing them away but the cookies were dry and absorbent so they quickly became mush.  these store bought cookies don’t hold up to rinsing at all.


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